{"id":27526,"date":"2013-08-02T14:31:19","date_gmt":"2013-08-02T14:31:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alreadyheard.com\/staging\/album-review-five-finger-death-punch-the-wrong-2\/"},"modified":"2023-01-21T10:10:48","modified_gmt":"2023-01-21T10:10:48","slug":"review-ffdp-wrong-side-of-heaven-vol-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alreadyheard.com\/staging\/review-ffdp-wrong-side-of-heaven-vol-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Review: Five Finger Death Punch – The Wrong Side Of Heaven And The Righteous Side Of Hell Vol. 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"image\"If, like me, you\u2019re an observant type, you may have noticed a little staleness in the line-ups of Download Festival. The same old acts seem to be on a rotational cycle, with few genuine candidates in a position to assume a bill-topping place. However, having listened to the fourth album by LA metallers Five Finger Death Punch<\/strong><\/a>, a band whose previous three records have reached \u201cGold” certification by the RIAA, it\u2019s eminently clear that metal completely deserves its stasis – if this is the kind of horrendous shit that sells, there is no future for heavy metal.<\/p>\n

Sounding like a throwback to the most atrocious early-\u201900s metal bands mixed with the most unlistenable parts of Corey Taylor\u2019s other band Stone Sour, Five Finger Death Punch<\/strong> represent the absolute nadir of creativity and artistic merit – this is \u201cmusic” for knuckle-dragging, Tapout-shirt wearing mouth breathers. You have to laugh at how unbearably appalling \u2018The Wrong Side Of Heaven and the Righteous Side Of Hell Vol. 1\u2019<\/em> is; if you let how bad this album is sink in for just a second, you may find yourself reaching for the nearest sharp object to jab through your eardrums into your brain. Actually, that\u2019s a pretty good tagline for the quintet; \u201c5FDP<\/strong> – So Bad, They\u2019ll Make You Want To Self-Lobotomise\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

Vocalist Ivan Moody (real last name Greening) seems to have a real violence fetish; most songs are testosterone-filled confrontational assaults – no wonder they\u2019re purported to be extraordinarily popular amongst US soldiers fighting in Iraq; after listening to tracks like \u2018You\u2019<\/em> and \u2018Burn MF\u2019<\/em> (so dreadful they make Disturbed and Coal Chamber look good), I feel like touting my shiny metal penis replacement too. In between creating \u201cfight music” for creationists, \u2018Wrong Side Of Heaven\u2019<\/em> posits FFDP<\/strong>\u2019s take on existential ennui, including an inference that God is female (HASHTAG CONTROVERSY). \u2018M.I.N.E (End This Way)\u2019<\/em> is their ham-fisted attempt at a \u201ctotally deep, bro” ballad; you may be in the dark as to why she left you Ivan, but listening to this atrocity, I have some theories.<\/p>\n

The most ominous part of this record is the fact it\u2019s only \u2018Vol. 1\u2019<\/em>, implying MULTIPLE VOLUMES. FFDP<\/strong> can\u2019t seem to finish one record without serious padding, let alone two. There are 9 songs worth of original material here; the rest of the 14(!) tracks is made up by an abortion of a cover of LL Cool J\u2019s \u2018Mama Said Knock You Out\u2019<\/em>, and already existent tracks featuring the vocal \u201ctalents” of Max Cavalera (Soulfly\/Sepultura) and Jamey Jasta (Hatebreed). This album\u2019s one sole vaguely plausible saving grace is its decent production – Zoltan Bathory (waste of a perfectly bitchin\u2019 name if you ask me)\u2019s guitar licks sound crisp; proving they didn\u2019t completely waste the budget over a million sales can give you on unnecessary guest appearances.<\/p>\n

In Quentin Tarantino\u2019s \u2018Kill Bill\u2019,<\/em> Uma Thurman\u2019s \u201cBride” kills her titular nemesis Bill (played by David Carradine) with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique (which could conceivably also be called the Five Finger Death Punch); however, this album is the aural equivalent of Carradine\u2019s real-life demise, discovered in a hotel wardrobe after a spot of autoerotic asphyxiation went awry. This kind of intellectually bereft nonsense will, unfortunately, have an audience, but it\u2019s hard to comprehend what sort of anachronism will enjoy this asinine claptrap in 2013. Anyone with more than 12 brain cells to rub together would do well to give this abysmal record an 100-metre restraining order.<\/p>\n

0\/5<\/p>\n