Album Review: Ma Jolie - Polars

Album Review: Ma Jolie – Polars

THIS IS A RECORD OF A CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE CRITIC (TC) AND THE VOICE OF REASON (VoR).

TC: Zzzzzzz…
VoR: Oh hey Critic, I didn’t realise you were sleeping. Sorry, I’ll come back later.
TC: Oh, hi Voice. No, it’s fine, I must’ve just drifted off listening to this new Ma Jolie record.
VoR: Ironically, that’s what I came here to talk to you about. You don’t like it then, I take it?
TC: *rubs sleep from bleary eyes* I don’t think it’s a matter of “liking” or “disliking” this record. I don’t think I can even bring myself to “anything” it.
VoR: What’s wrong with this album then?
TC: It’s a gruff-punk record. Need I say more?
VoR: Probably, yeah.
TC: I just don’t understand the appeal of this genre in the slightest. It’s just so utterly bland and characterless. Nothing about it is beautiful. Nothing about it is exhilarating. It just happens and nobody feels better for the experience.
VoR: Wow, strong words Critic. This is clearly a popular genre though – The Menzingers topped year-end album lists in 2012 left, right and centre and Gnarwolves have become the most popular underground punk band in Britain from playing this style.
TC: Just because something’s popular, doesn’t make it good. Crazy Frog had a number one single.
VoR: You’re kind of a dick, Critic.
TC: Yeah, I know. But seriously, I wish this genre made me feel something other than nothing. I wish I could get excited by music so artless, so I could give this band a nice review and everyone can get on with their day. I wish, I wish…I wish I hadn’t been given this to review this week.
VoR: Hey, c’mon, cheer up Critic, there are worse things out there. Now, tell me what it is you specifically dislike about ‘Polars’, Maybe I can help you get through this irrational hatred.
TC: Has this gimmick review turned into gruff-punk counselling now?
VoR: Think of it as more of a self-help session.

TC: Okay, we’ll start at the beginning with ‘Brace, Smile’.
VoR: Hey, I like this Bear vs. Shark-esque riff at the beginning! This is pretty great, huh?
TC: Yeah, it’s cool for the first 20 seconds… then his voice comes in.
VoR: Okay, so it’s not the most exciting, but he…
TC: I’m getting pretty tired of your sunny-side-up bullshit, man.
VoR: No need to get aggressive! I’m just a glass half-full kinda guy!
TC: I’ll smash your glass. Anyway, it’s quite telling that we’ve become distracted from this song to have our little tiff.
VoR: Yeah, that one didn’t really move out of second gear. How about this second one, though? ‘Kansas Slam’.
TC: Okay, so this one has quite a sunny lilt to it, and the melodies are kinda cool.
VoR: We might be getting somewhere here…but I can see from the expression on your face you’re not convinced.
TC: It’s just that voice. That wounded buffalo grizzle, the atonal roar sapping the energy out of everything like a fire blanket removing oxygen.
VoR: But this band would be a ton of fun to see live, right? All your friends singing along and high-fiving?
TC: That’s the scene I imagine I’m greeted with upon entering Hades.
VoR: So you don’t like having fun, is that it? You don’t like enjoying yourself?
TC: I like having fun plenty. I just like having fun to music that ignites some sort of internal spark, and this torpor snaps my metaphorical match in two.

Polars by Ma Jolie

VoR: Okay, let’s try ‘Cannonball’. Oh man, I’m a pretty reasonable guy, but this is kinda horrible. So many clichés.
TC: I know, right. It’s like they sped up Piebald and put it through a beige filter.
VoR: I think even staunch fans of this genre would have trouble stomaching ‘Stale Air’. It spends four whole minutes going absolutely nowhere.
TC: Hey, what happened to your whole relentless positivity thing? What happened to you trying to convince me gruff punk, specifically Ma Jolie, was worth listening to? Hello? Hello?
VoR: *snaps head up* Oh sorry man, I drifted off a little during ‘Passive Active’.
TC: And to think you were reprimanding me for doing the same when you came in.
VoR: Sorry about that, Critic. Now I know. Let’s get this over and done with so I can go home and take some Prozac or something.
TC: ‘A Mile Of Rope’ isn’t going to perk you up, dude.
VoR: I didn’t think it was possible for this band to get more boring, but I think they just did. This is just so…futile.
TC: I can’t believe our roles have reversed during the course of this overspun novelty.
VoR: I felt it needed a twist, most people stopped reading several lines ago.
TC: Here we go then. Last song. ‘Boats’. Why do we hate it?
VoR: Because this music was dull in the 90s, and it certainly hasn’t got any more exciting 20 years later.
TC: Couldn’t have said it better myself, Voice. For what it’s worth, I’m kinda sorry I made you see things my way. I feel like I’ve neutered an excitable puppy.
VoR: Critic, don’t worry about it. You said it yourself, you want to like this music, but the sucky bands make it so hard.
TC: Exactly. I’m sorry I said I was going to smash your half-full glass, Voice.
VoR: Don’t even worry about it, I’m just so relived that the album is over. I feel bad feeling so little about this small, independent band, but this is just so… banal.
TC: You can always indulge your positive side going to see a hundred bands that sound like this at FEST.
VoR: Fuck off mate, I’m not the one who talks to the voices in their head.